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Release, Refresh, Reset



I can’t carry this anymore. My joints hurt. I’m weak in the knees and humped in the back. The weight of it all has left me deformed. I am not who I was when this year started and there’s no turning back.

I’ll take a moment to validate the pain, anger, and rage. I woke up to find my husband dead on the floor. A heart attack came like a thief in the night and stole the love of my life. I disassociated as a means of survival. Processing the fact that he was actually gone may have destroyed me.

My daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. It has been a trying journey that’s only just begun and I have to help her manage it alone. Her dad is gone. And then I got sick. And I stayed sick. And I couldn’t get better. And I had 2 surgeries less than 6 months apart. And my kid bounced from house to house like a foster child. And when I woke up from heart surgery, I had to relearn how to walk. And then, my baby boy (nephew) passed away.

Loneliness allowed bitterness to set in. And it did set in. And it metamorphosed. It became anger and the anger became rage. I couldn’t believe this was my life. I went from being the glue that held my home together to not being able to walk. Tears filled and fell from my eyes without warning or permission. I couldn’t understand why God had forsaken me.

Or had he?

I’ll start by releasing lies I believed during this time. God never left me. He kept me during a season that would have taken most people out. Yet, here I am, writing in between doing loads of laundry. I still homeschool my child. I cook and clean. I teach the children at church. I have actively sustained friendships. I could have withdrawn. I should have lost my mind, but I didn’t. Thank God for that.

Now to refresh the way I feel about losing that baby. I thank God for the time I had with him. I thank God for the memories. I thank him for the hugs, the tantrums, the laughs, the adventures. He was so beautiful. He was so handsome. He was so thoughtful. He was so smart. He was so peaceful. He was an amazing part of my life, and I thank God I got to know him.

Finally, it’s time to reset. This next year isn’t responsible for the last. Fear has no place in my future. Yeah, there will probably be painful moments, but I will not allow those moments to suck the joy out of the good ones. I don’t care how much grief pulls at me. I choose gratitude. I choose peace. I choose joy. And if it shows up, I choose love.

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